Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Will I Go Or Will I Stay.
After weeks deliberating and weighing all the pros and cons the time had come to make a decision. The big move was on and over the next few weeks there was a mountain of paperwork to fill out . So many things to organize. Shipping, movers and flights to book. People to contact, accounts to close, so much to do and the weeks were flying by.
It was all very exciting. A wind whirl of activity kept my mind occupied. And then the movers arrived. They came into the house and I directed them into the sitting room. I pointed out the furniture to pack and the furniture we would leave behind. The foreman directed two of his men to wrap up the sofa and it hit me. All of a sudden the enormity of this undertaking gripped my stomach. I was afraid. Fear had crept up and clenched my insides in a vice grip hold. What was I doing? Was I crazy? What made me think I could survive or make good in America? Why was I doing this, leaving my home, leaving all I knew and loved. I felt like a blind person walking along the piers edge. My stomach lurched.
The tickets were bought and now half our belongings were on the movers truck. I don‘t want to go. I want to stay in my beautiful house, surrounded by all I knew and loved. I can‘t do this. I dashed out into the hall and shouted at the moving men, “STOP! Don‘t take another thing out of this house.” Tears streaming down my face. The two men in the hallway stopped dead in their tracks looking at me with shocked disbelief. The foreman walked towards me, placed a comforting hand on my shoulder, turned to the his men and said, “Put it down lads, it’s time for a tea break.” Turning back to me a look of understanding on his face, he said, “I know this is hard Missus. I see it more than I care to say. Take a bit of time, you can let us know what you have decided after the tea break.”
I thanked the kind man and went into the kitchen, turned on Mozart made myself a cup of tea and wondered what had just happened. Incoherent thoughts buzzing in my head. What is wrong with you? Pull yourself together for Gods sake. Everything is in place. The tickets are bought, the movers are paid the visas are ready. This decision was made with a clear head, there is no turning back now. It’s not like you will never be home again. Life will be good. You see yourself doing well, you feel it in your bones so stop sniveling. Let the men do their job. Yes but what if I’m wrong. What if I fail. What if I don’t make a success of this. You will go to America and have a wonderful life adventure and when you come back you will be the better for it. The moving foreman stuck his head through the kitchen door. A quick intake of breath as I raised my hand to my mouth in embarrassment, had I been thinking out loud?
“Well Missus, have you decided?” he asked. I took a deep gulp of my tea, swallowing hard and conjuring up as much false confidence as I could muster I said, “Yes, thank you. Finish the packing. We are going to America.”